February

The Test

Well, for those who know me well, know that I have been without license (ehem, to drive) for most of my adult life, and to those who have so generously chauffered me around these past years I am truly grateful. I am happy to announce that I can now repay those multitudinous favours and eagerly throw my hat in for designated driver, which I have so unfortunately been unable to do in the past. Years of accumulated lessons in various countries had made me able to at least reassure those around me that in the event of an emergency (such as being chased by an axe murderer or maiming by rabid dingoes) I would have been able to get behind the wheel and drive them to the nearest hospital. But alas, I never really got much of chance to get behind the wheel very much. But now I can throw my bus ticket into the bin and finally join the ranks of the combustible engine dependent and have taken that final step to prove my road worthiness.


In Sri Lanka that is.

I felt the need to share my experience with you all. I feel it was rather an… experience. I took about a month of lessons where my Driving instructor (a brusque but thorough man) taught me the intricacies of Sri Lankan Driving, I particularly liked his little gems of wisdom such as “bus drivers and three wheelers very bad very bad people” and turning into oncoming traffic “you must creep, creep slowly, slowly.”

Then came the written test, which I thankfully passed and two weeks after that the practical loomed up on me. I was admittedly nervous but my instructor kept instructing me that I would pass no problem… but I was still unsure as to the quality of my driving under pressure.

The Department of Motor Vehicles is about an hour southwest of Colombo and the parking lot was chock full of vehicles from mopeds, three wheelers (tuk-tuks) to vintage looking buses being driven in circles or parallel parking. Hundreds of people milled around either waiting for tests, waiting for people or just watching the spectacle of it all.

At some point (after about 2 hours of waiting and watching the spectacle) my instructor hurriedly waved me over from under the shade of a tree and said that I was in luck. Apparently, my Examiner was a “very nice man, very good person” which he went on to explain “ other examiner very tough, many fail, no pass.” So I calmed my nerves and thought this is it, I CAN DO IT! I SHALL PASS!!

After about another enthusiasm killing two hours, my perspiring instructor rushed back to me and bundled me up into the van and said, “ he’s coming now, we take test.” As I nervously looked out of the window to see the decider of my fate I was confused by the melee of three wheelers and vans and cars rallying around us. I imagined that my driving test (over the years of preparing for it) would be a solemn affair, a serious looking examiner would enter the car, instruct me to drive, to turn here and there and then perform a hill stop on a 45 degree incline with a Mercedes Benz too close behind me, of which I would naturally and spectacularly fail.

But I had little time to think, my instructor sped off behind a long line of three wheelers (you’re thinking that I should be driving here, well I was thinking the same thing) and we were followed by an equally long line of vans and miscellaneous other vehicles. Our column proceeded recklessly past other vehicles on a heavily trafficked commuter road and I asked my instructor where the examiner was “ he’s in the front three wheeler, next to all the bikes.” Then it dawned on me, only when the examiner gets through those five three wheelers and four mopeds and two vans then it will be my turn to prove my road worthiness. Until then we relentlessly chased this examiner up the commuter road narrowly missing fruit vendors and parked cars as we all scrambled to keep our place in line.

It was a harrowing experience and I hadn’t even taken the test yet, finally the elusive examiner leapt out of the van in front of us hurriedly signed some paper and trotted to our hastily parked van. My instructor leapt out of the driver’s seat and told me to get in front and smiled ingratiatingly at the decider of my fate.

I must admit he was a very nice man he spoke softly and told me to reverse park into a small space off the side of the road (mind you dozens of vehicles were parked on the side of the road as well as ongoing traffic from behind us kept going). But I will toot my own horn and say I did the reverse marvellously only to heart wrenchingly stall the van when pulling out of the parking spot, I was so mortified, I was thinking quietly “Oh GOD I’VE FAILED!!!!!!!! OH! THE SHAME! THE SHAME ON MY FAMILY!”

I had to collect my wits and ignore the perceived heckling (I’m sure somebody was heckling) and continue onwards. I somehow made the straight drive through, did a lane change and road side stop. Whereupon my heart seized as I was told the test was over. I swear barely five minutes had past and already decisions were being made about my abilities. I wanted to say, “that’s it? that’s all? Can’t I just do the reverse park one more time??!?” But he looked at me and smiled and asked what kind of car my father had and I said “automatic” and then he signed the form, smiled and said goodbye. I looked on in disbelief as he leapt into another van and was gone.

And that my friends, is the confirmation of my ability to navigate the roads of Sri Lanka and perhaps one day the rest of the world (evil laugh ha ha ha ha erm). So when some of you get the courage to come out here and see this beautiful country I shall be well prepared and experienced enough to organise a professional driver for you J.

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